After a minor delay its time to revisit the designing the relationship you want series.
Most men are struggling with really substandard relationships. And find themselves stuck there despite lots of effort to change things. Because they just don’t know the basics of what makes great relationships work.
Throughout this series of articles I’ve addressed the common pitfalls and wrong turns ordinary men make. And then guided you through a step-by-step process of identifying that there are actually two flanks every man must address to have a fulfilling relationship. We saw that one was your secret identity projects. And then learned that the other necessary part was engaging with your woman.
We’ve been discussing engagement and I told you there are four steps in this process. To review they are:
1) Understanding why she won’t engage right now.
2) Evaluating her level of engagement.
3) Giving her room and reason to become more engaged.
4) Knowing what to do with a fully-engaged woman.
Today we will cover part three.
How to give her room and reason to become more engaged.
1. Be Self-Engaged. Learn about yourself. Journal. Gather a group of male friends and discuss what you are doing and want to do with your life. Work on your Secret Identity Project will help you figure this out also.
2. Be Self-Fulfilled. Work on your Secret Identity Projects. Explore your different interests. Explore what is meaningful and satisfying to you. Maybe it’s working with clay, making pots and sculpture. Maybe for you it’s music. Or working with blind kids. Or learning and teaching scuba diving. Whatever it is, you gotta find it. Nobody will do it for you.
3. Follow The Grading Rules. When interacting with a woman it is important to gauge and respond to her engagement level. Basically you will be rewarding engagement and punishing lack of engagement. And you do this by bringing or removing your own engagement. If she’s distracted or disrespectful, you find something else to do. Without being mean or judgmental…
You seem like you aren’t ready to talk about it right now. That’s cool. I got some stuff I need to do. Text me if you need anything or if you want to talk.
4. Elevate Your Standards. Be clear with yourself and with her about what constitutes engagement to you. For me it’s all about Respect and Trust. She can do any old crazy thing… throw a tantrum, express rage at life and the world, cry about her cellulite, be mad at me for something I didn’t even do… as long as in the end she acknowledges me with respect and trust it works.
5. Don’t Be Mean. Being mean is a weakness. It puts you in a position of powerlessness. It sends the message: my self-esteem depends on your opinion of me. Exceptional Guys are classy to a fault. That doesn’t mean they don’t call her on her bullshit. Watch a chick flick where the woman is the hero. There is always some scene where the guy calls her on her bs. But he’s never gratuitously mean. Study them.
6. Tell Her You Just Want Her Present, Honest, Herself… This goes with the high standards thing. this is what you are after. At the end of the day you will have a great relationship if she lets you in to who she really is and turns to you when she wants to be understood and needs to share something etc. This is an absolute must, but it takes time.
7. Be Quick And Decisive. Keep the pressure on. Classy. Not mean. But with incredibly high standards. Your time and presence and engagement is valuable. She doesn’t just get it for free. If she’s not opening to you more and more as you work on this… it’s time to next her. Your job is not to change her and definitely not to make her do anything she doesn’t want to do. Your job is just to give her the opportunity to open to your awesomeness. This is a gift you are giving her. If she’s not into it, too bad. There’s more women in the world who will open to you than you can possibly explore in one lifetime. Go find one who will.
Does she think she has you all figured out?
Treats you like you are old news?
- Access and express your feelings.
- Unhook from trying to impress her
- See her rejections as cute
- And awaken her inner pornstar.
She won’t even recognize you by the end of the month.